Locomotive Complicity
by Raven Sforz
Summary: MattxMello Based on the song "Locomotive Complicity " by Guns N' Roses. Matt and Mello's relationship, with the ups, the downs, and the ups again. Crossposted at DA. Rating to be safe.


**Locomotive (Complicity)**

_Death Note Fan-Fiction by Raven_

Part I _– A way to cure this loneliness_

I pause my game and get up off the floor, stretching. I've been sitting here longer than I can measure, and my eyes are starting to sting from staring at the screen for so long, although I'd never admit it out loud – like there's anyone to admit it to anyway, _nobody cares_ how long I sit in front of my videogames. I look around, and I wonder when the room got so dark. I glance at the clock on the wall, above the TV set. Wow, it's almost ten p.m., which means I've spent more than seven hours playing. I haven't eaten, I haven't slept, I've barely gotten up to go to the toilet. And I haven't seen anyone but myself, my own reflection on the screen – like there's anyone to see anyway, _nobody cares_ if I become a videogame-playing, mute robot-like being.

I'm sick of my bitter thoughts. I walk to the head of my bed to mark another day in my calendar, just to occupy my mind, but when I realize what day it is today, my mood only darkens. It's been a month since my best friend – and crush – started preparing for the final exams. He's hell-bent on beating Near, as usual. It's been a month since he spent any time with me. And last week he stopped talking to me; said I distracted him. Not even the slight excitement of being a distraction to him – which meant I actually was something to him – could wash away the loneliness and pain I felt. He's my only true friend, and even if he never returns my deepest feelings, I still want to be with him. But he doesn't seem to notice the torture he's putting me through. He's painfully oblivious to my feelings – the only one who suspects them is Near, and I don't trust him at all. Yeah, not the best situation.

I lay down on my bed, sighing as I look up at the ceiling. I'm fighting not to glance at Mello's empty bed beside me; I can easily picture him resting his back against the headboard, munching on his dark chocolate and watching with a neutral expression as I play my games – he never admitted it, but I know he watches. He even flinches when an especially horrendous monster makes its appearance.

I close my eyes. That was a month ago, when Mello was still my friend and we still had fun together. Now he spends his days at the library and his nights sleeping deeply, tired out by all the studying and stress. While I spend my days playing videogames and my nights watching him, unable to sleep, because I know those moments are the closest thing I have to spending time with him. Sad, right?

The door opens, but I don't want to open my eyes yet. I don't want to see Mello walking around the room, changing into his pyjamas and getting into bed without even saying goodnight to me. I don't want that. And the exams are still two weeks away...

"Matt."

I flinch. His voice! I hadn't heard it in days, and now that I have, it sounds like it's been years since the last time! My eyes fly open and I see him, his beautiful green eyes on me, blond hair falling over his face in a naturally sleek way. He looks tired and... Worried?

"Mello" I whisper, my voice hoarse from not speaking in so long. I clear my throat, blushing lightly. "...Hey."

You can't blame me for not knowing what to say to the guy I love, who hasn't spoken to me in over a week. His expression is unreadable as he sits on the edge of my bed.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asks, somewhat harshly, as if he was being forced to. "I saw you lying there with an arm over your eyes, and I thought you were sick."

"I'm fine" I reply quickly. A sour taste floods my mouth; he sounds so unnatural... I never forced him to talk to me. I never meant to _distract _him. I never asked him to stop being an asshole, dammit! Why couldn't he just leave me with my pain? His eyes narrow, and he gets up.

"Oh. Okay, then."

And that's it. He goes on with his ritual of walking into the bathroom, and then changing into his pyjamas and getting in bed, all the while silently eating chocolate. I stare at him; I don't care if he notices. Once he lies down on his bed, though, I turn away from him, facing the wall. Tears are threatening to fall, and I can't let him see them. I have my pride.

The atmosphere is tense, but I'm not gonna be the one to break the silence. If he's still interested in our friendship, he'll be the one to talk to me. He'll be the one to try and mend what he's done.

Heh, as if. I smirk; of course he isn't gonna be the one. He never was, after all; but that doesn't mean I'm backing down. If he wants it to be this way, so be it. I just wish he would've talked to me about this. He could've told me straight-out that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. There was no need to put it this way.

Growling, I get up and head to the door. He looks up from his book at me, narrowing his eyes.

"Where are you going?" he sounds annoyed, and once again, unnatural. I pull my goggles over my eyes and a cigarette out of my pocket.

"Out" I reply simply, walking out before he can reply. I don't wanna hear it. He probably wasn't going to say anything anyway.

I have to find another way to get out of this spiralling depression he's put me into. He's not gonna help me out of this mess he's made, so I guess I'll just have to help myself.

Part II _– You won't take the love I have to give_

"Matt!"

It's been two weeks now, and I'm sitting in my room, playing videogames and wondering when Mello will be back. When he does, I'll have to shut down the console and leave. I wonder whether Near will let me sleep in his room again?

But just as I'm about to go up against the last boss of the game, I hear that voice; Mello's voice. Damn, I was so close to beating this shit. Oh, well; I turn off the game without even bothering to save the progress, and look up at the door just in time to see it fly open. My former best friend stands there in all his leather-clad glory, a hand on the doorframe and his lithe body trembling while tears roll down his cheeks. The image is so heartbreaking, so stunning and tragically beautiful, that for a few seconds, all I can do is stare.

"M-Mello..." I mutter, somewhat breathlessly, and he sobs and runs to me. In the blink of an eye, he's curled up on my lap, crying into the crook of my neck, his short blond hair hiding his face from my view.

Okay, I can't take advantage of this situation, as good as it would be for me.

Hesitantly, I wrap my arms around him. I can't help but be a little wary; I know Mello and I know how he can be sometimes, how bipolar. He presses closer to me, and I rub his back, trying to calm him down. When his trembling subsides, I whisper into his ear:

"Mel, what's wrong?"

He wraps his arms around my neck and holds onto me like a lifeline. I can barely breathe; his closeness is far more intoxicating than any kind of cigarettes I've ever smoked. He sighs and I caress his hair, soothingly; I don't want him to cry again. He relaxes against me, and I can hear his voice, broken and throaty.

"He beat me again."

My blood freezes. He 'beat' him? Who?

"What?" I pull away to look at him. His pretty face is flushed, and when I try to meet his eyes, he looks down.

"Near" he sighs, rubbing his eyes with his left hand, leaving his right arm around my shoulders. "He beat me again" and before I can release the torrent of curses that has been building up inside me, he adds: "At the exams."

My reaction can be compared to a car going at two-hundred miles-per-hour that suddenly screeches to a halt on the spot. I'm shaken and breathless, but relieved. It's not what it looks like this time.

"Oh" I can't help but sound as if Mello has overreacted; he has, I think. But if I tell him that, he'll go berserk on my ass. "But, Mello..." I pull him closer, hoping he won't get mad at my words. "Exams mean nothing. Grades are just a number, just a letter, Mel... It doesn't mean you're more or less intelligent than anyone else."

Strange how I hated him a few minutes ago, how I wanted to escape his very sight, avoid him and ignore him. Strange how I love him now, how I want to make it better for him, protect him and hold him.

"They're important for me" he insists, wiping a tear from his cheek. "But I'm never good enough. I'll always be second best, I guess..."

"You're not second best for me."

I must be crazy.

He looks up at me with sparkling green eyes, and that gives me the bravery I need to round up my idea.

"You're always the first for me, you know, Mello? Always" I emphasize as I caress his hair. He blushes and looks away.

"Matt... I thought you hated me..."

"How could I hate you?" I can't help but smile at him. I know that maybe I'm being weak, I'm placing the curse on myself again, taking back what took so long to throw away. But I can't say no to him, I can't say no to those beautiful eyes and that frail face that changes expressions so quickly and easily. I just can't. "Mello, you're my best friend. You know I'll always be here for you. Promise."

"Yeah, but..." he frowns, as if what he's about to say annoys him deeply. "I-I've been kinda... Not nice to you lately."

My eyes widen. Is he admitting how much of a bitch he was to me? Is he saying _he's sorry_? I swallow the lump in my throat and try my best not to look excited; I can't contain my smile, though. It's just too much! Mello admitting he was wrong? I never thought I'd live to see this!

"Don't worry about that" I sigh, resting my head atop his. He cuddles comfortably against me. This is so bizarre that I can't help but wonder whether too many hours in front of the brightly-flashing screen have made me delusional.

"I-I... I'm... You know..."

"Shh, don't say it" I smile down at him, and lean down to kiss his forehead. Surprisingly enough, all he does is frown and roll his eyes at the show of affection. "I know. I understand" I mutter, and he settles back against me again, closing his eyes.

"I'm so tired..."

"You should get some rest, Mel..." I hug him a little tighter, feeling my heart beating madly in my chest. He's so close to me...

This is it, I have to tell him.

"Mello, I..." the words get stuck in my throat. Dammit, Matt, say it already! "There's something I..."

He opens his eyes and looks up at me again; the moment his eyes meet my own, he lets out a small gasp, his cheeks going pale again. I think maybe he's realized what I mean, or maybe he thought the wrong thing. But as I open my mouth to carry on, he puts a finger to my lips and shakes his head.

"No, Matt, don't say it. I'm... Not ready. Sorry."

Part III _– I bought me an illusion_

I can't believe he's actually agreed to go on a date with me.

Ever since that day, when he cried into my arms after the exams, I've been trying to get him to accept my feelings, if not return them. Of course, I've also been insisting that he went out with me, at least only once. His excuses for refusing have been varied, but there's one in particular that he's repeated more than the others.

"We hang out together all the time" he'd say. "What would make a date between us different?"

I tried to tell him it would be the intention behind it – my intention at least – but of course, he never listens to what I say. That was until the day I replied, smirking:

"I can do things for you that I don't usually do when we're just hanging out together."

He then blushed and looked away, closing his eyes.

"Pick me up at seven thirty on Friday" he growled, and walked away towards a random vending machine – I hadn't even noticed it was there before. That was two days ago.

Now it's Friday, six fifty p.m., and we're getting dressed in a strangely comfortable silence. There's no expectation, no butterflies in the stomach from anticipation. I'm relaxed – which I hadn't expected – and Mello seems calm and somewhat satisfied with himself.

"You better buy me some chocolate" he tells me with a smirk as he walks into our small bathroom to fix his hair in front of the mirror. I can't help but glance at his butt; can't blame me when he's wearing leather, I guess. I smile.

"Of course, Mel. That's what boyfriends do" I add jokingly, but he looks too serious in the mirror when he turns to me and nods. An uncomfortable silence settles between us, and I turn away from the bathroom. I fidget with my goggles, which are hanging around my neck. "Hum, Mello? I was joking, you know..."

He doesn't reply; of course, it's obvious I was joking. Maybe he got mad because I thought he had taken it seriously? I turn back around, and find him staring at me, arms crossed over his chest, green eyes dark.

"Mel?" I try to smile; just try. "What's wrong?" Still no reply. Could it be...? "Do... Do you..." No, no, it can't be... He'll hate me if I ask... "Do you want us to be...?"

I must have a death wish, some kind of suicidal tendency. He raises and eyebrow and cocks his hips like an angry girl – can't blame me, that's what he looks like!

"You're the one who wants us to be boyfriends, Matt. I'm just agreeing."

...Wait, wait, _what?_

"U-Uh... M-Mello..."

"Shut up and let's go, _boyfriend_. I'm starving" he flashes me a smirk and walks towards me. My instinct makes me flinch: Mello is more than capable of hurting. He comes closer until we are face to face, and I'm staring straight into his beautiful, piercing deep eyes. He raises a hand; I think he wants to slap me! I should've known I wouldn't get out of this unharmed! I close my eyes, mentally getting ready to take the blow.

And suddenly, I feel his hand on my cheek, but it doesn't sting as if he's just hit me. On the contrary, it feels soft and nice like... A caress? Nah, it can't be real. I must've smoked too many cigarettes.

"Matt? Are you okay?"

I open my eyes slowly; I still can't believe Mello is caressing my cheek, I mean, why? He's never done something like this... Maybe, when we were younger, he patted my back or my hair when I cried, but it never went beyond that... I meet Mello's eyes again, and damn, he looks almost concerned! What's going on?

"Yes" and why did I become so breathless all of sudden? He smiles a bit again, and leans even closer, tilting his head lightly, closing his eyes...

His lips feel soft and warm against my own. I freeze; this is the moment I've been dreaming off since I hit puberty and realized how truly attractive my best friend is. His hands grip my face as his lips move against mine, insistently. I let my eyes slip closed and respond to the kiss, a bit shyly; I feel inexperienced and clumsy compared to him, although I know he's not too experienced either; I think I'm more experienced than him, even. That makes me feel better; I place my hands on his hips, and he presses closer to me, his body leaning against my own. He licks my lips, and I let him in; the sensation is indescribable. I've been kissed before, but never by someone I truly liked, like Mello.

He pulls away as suddenly as he started the kiss, his tongue giving my lips one last playful lick. I don't wanna open my eyes yet, I'm just too happy right now. His hands move down from my cheeks to my shoulders.

"Matt?" I can hear the slight hint of laughter in his voice, and I smile too, breathing deeply.

"Wow" that's all I can say. I open my eyes. Mello is grinning, his cheeks flushed. He looks more beautiful than ever! I remove my hands from his hips – too bad, I liked them there – and brush a stray lock of golden-blond hair behind his ear. He tilts his head, blushing a bit more. "Mello, I... I love you" I sigh, and feel my cheeks burning too. He looks down, frowning a bit.

"I can't say I love you too, but... Maybe, someday..." he looks up at me again. I try not to feel hurt; I mean, he's just now accepted to go out with me. Maybe he needs time to see if he really likes me... Hell, who am I kidding? This hurts and the smile I give him feels horribly fake.

"It's okay. Let's go, Mel."

He holds out his hand and I take it.

Bittersweet.

Part IV _– I let you shape me_

I mark another day in my calendar. Six months. It's been six months since Mello and I got together. I can't help but smile at the thought; I'd be lying if I said it's been easy and perfect like most relationships are in the beginning. In fact, it's been harder than being just friends. But since I'm stupid and I'm in love, I feel it's all worth it when he's in my arms, curled up like a kitty, and he says he loves me. Yeah, I got him to say it after a month.

Sometimes I feel like I'm obsessed with him. My whole world revolves around him; if he tells me to stop playing videogames, I do it. If he tells me to take off my vest or my goggles, I do it. If he tells me to get him chocolate, I do it. If he tells me to stop smoking, I complain a little and then I do it. I have to admit he doesn't listen to me as much as I listen to him, but then again, he's Mello. I have known it would be this way since forever, so I can't complain.

The door to our room opens suddenly, and Mello walks in, munching on a chocolate bar as he growls under his breath, something about "stupid Near" and "I'm gonna be L's successor". I try to pretend I didn't hear him, and smile fondly as he finally notices me.

"Hey, baby. How'd your day go?"

He snorts and holds his chocolate bar between his teeth as he hastily removes his leather jacket, throwing it onto his bed – which has been unoccupied for months. Junk is accumulating on top of it already.

"How d'you think it went?" he snarls once the chocolate is back in his hand. He takes another angry bite. "Horrible! Awful! That Near is infuriating, the little bastard!" he pauses for a second, and then glares at me."And where was my oh-so-knightly boyfriend while I had to stand the little albino bastard? Oh, right, he was lying on his fat ass."

I can't help but raise an eyebrow at that. I've skipped classes for the past two days because I have a cold, and the doctor at Whammy's said I should stay in bed. And if I remember correctly, I caught a cold because Mello insisted that making out under the rain was oh-so-romantic, but I had to give him my jacket because he was cold. I'm not saying that it's his fault I'm sick, but... He could be a little more sympathetic.

"Mel, I would've loved to go with you, really" I close my eyes. He's gonna get mad... "But I still don't feel too well."

"You're a little drama queen, Matt!" Well, look who's talking, babe! "I can't believe that just a small cold is enough to leave you bedridden! You're so weak, I should never let you out of this room again!" Is that a new twisted way of saying he's worried about me?

Okay, Matt, relax. Breathe. Smile. It's okay.

"Don't worry, baby, tomorrow I'll feel better and I'll go to classes with you. And we can beat the living shit out of Near."

I open my eyes. He's still crossing his arms, but at least his frown has softened somewhat. He shrugs and walks into the bathroom.

"You truly are pathetic, Matt" he comments as he undresses – I can't see him from my bed, but I know he is undressing. He's gonna take a shower now; his routine is strict. Mh, maybe I should sleep now, since it's almost midnight and I'm ill. If I want to be okay tomorrow, I'll have to get some rest. I close my eyes, rolling onto my side and curling up into a ball. Damn chills. Being ill sucks.

After what feels like a second, I feel a warm hand on my shoulder shaking me awake again. Ugh, I feel even worse than before. My throat is sore and I'm cold. I curl up even more, coughing.

"Matt, wake up."

Mello's voice sounds so sharp and merciless... Please, Mel, please let me sleep.

"Mh..."

"Matt! Wake the fuck up right now!"

A sharp pain stabs at my forehead. I wince.

"Mel, please, speak a little lower" I mumble. My voice is hoarse, and speaking even hurts. "What's wrong?" I add as I fight to open my eyes and look up at him.

Okay, since when he's straddling me?

"Hum, Mel..."

"Yeah, I know" he spits. He's more than annoyed, he's downright pissed off. He's fuming. And I'm in the line of fire. "Not tonight either, I suppose."

His voice holds a tone of fake understanding. He's being sarcastic. I should've known it was about _that_; well, it's not my fault if I don't feel like having sex when I have a temperature and I can barely breathe through my nose. I should tell him that, but I know better. Relax. Breathe. Smile. Pretend you believe he truly understands, and maybe his wrath won't be so terrible.

"I'm really sorry, babe..." I place a hand on his thigh, and he slaps it away. I can feel my smile fading, and it's such a familiar feeling... Wow. This is depressing.

"You're so selfish!" all of a sudden, he stands up on the bed, one feet on each side of my hips. He looks down on me with his trademark death glare, and I'm truly scared. I know he's capable of anything.

"Mel, please" am I begging? Normally, I'd try to protect my dignity a little more, but I feel my stomach churning with nausea, and I really don't want to argue right now. "I feel like shit. I'd love to be with you, but..."

"But what?" he's lost it, I can see it in his eyes. "You only care about yourself, Matt! You know what? FUCK YOU!"

And before I can say anything, he leans down and slaps me right across the face, forcefully.

Part V – _I've closed the door_

It's been a week. I stare at myself in the mirror. The cold is gone and the ugly purple mark on my left cheek has faded almost completely - I had to stay in bed a few more days so nobody would see it. I guess I look much better; there's something wrong with me, however. I lean over the sink, inspecting myself more closely. Am I still sick?

No. I just noticed it. My eyes look strangely dull. Not red, nor puffy, in fact it seems there's nothing wrong with them, but they're _dull_. I don't want to sound tragically poetic, but it's like they've lost their light. And I've been feeling kind of empty since that night...

Mello's reflection suddenly appears in the mirror. His eyes are fixed on the reflection of my own. Has he noticed the change? What does he feel? What is he thinking?

"You look better" he mutters. His voice is surprisingly low and somewhat shy. I shrug.

"Yeah, I guess."

I don't want to sound this cold. I don't want to look at him and feel this _nothingness. _I want to feel my heart beating faster and my cheeks going red, I want to feel that blind stupid love I always felt around him... But I don't. All I can feel right now is pure, complete emptiness. Looking at him and looking at anything else makes me feel the same – or rather, doesn't make me feel anything.

He shifts nervously in his place behind me, looking down and blushing.

"Matt... Uh, it's Saturday... W-What would you like to do today?"

Oh, right. Being each other's only friend, and also boyfriend, it's natural that we spend all of our time together. I shrug again. I really should stop doing that, but it comes naturally.

"Anything's fine."

C'mon, Matt, it's not like he just asked him whether you prefer coffee or milk, he's letting you choose what to do! Say something! He looks into my eyes once again, through the mirror.

"W-We could go to that game store you like" he offers. I can hear the slight desperation in his voice, but I can't get myself to feel sorry for him. "Or you could teach me how to play one of your stup—er, your games" Matt, you idiot, you're hurting your boyfriend! Smile and say you're sorry!

...But he didn't say he was sorry for slapping me when I was sick.

A knot suddenly forms in my throat, and I look down. I mustn't cry; but I have the feeling I wouldn't cry even if I wanted to. The pain subsides to a dull ache.

"Okay."

I look up just in time to see him shiver and rub his right eye with a hand. He's about to cry. I don't feel good and I don't feel bad. I just don't feel.

He hit me. My boyfriend. Hit me. I was sick and he hit me. He told me he loved me but then he hit me!

"Matt, please!" he's crying now, crystal tears rolling down his pale cheeks, his green eyes sparkling with the clear liquid. He wipes the tears away with his fists much like a child would, and when he looks down, his hair hides his face from me. It's a tragic image that a week ago would've seemed beautiful to me, that would've made me melt on the spot, bring him into my arms and give him the moon and the stars just to make him stop crying. C'mon, Matt, you have to comfort him. You love him.

...Right?

I turn around and lean back against the sink, arms crossed and a cigarette dangling from my lips, as he cries in front of me. And I still feel nothing.

"I'm sorry!" he suddenly cries, looking up at me. He's never looked at me like that before, with such desperation and sheer _need_ in those beautiful eyes. And it occurs to me that maybe he lost control and he feels terrible for it, and he doesn't know how to say it now because it's not the same as when we were friends. And I remember that he loves me; my heart starts beating again, albeit faintly.

"It's okay" my voice is still lifeless, but I'm sincere. I unfold my arms, and he takes it as permission to run to me, throwing his arms around my neck, gripping me as if his life depended on it. I stay still for a few seconds, until I feel him shiver with another sob. Oh, right, I should hug him too. My arms encircle his slender waist loosely.

"Please, Matt! Please love me again!" he begs, hiding his face in the crook of my neck. His breath is warm; my heart beats a little bit louder, but only a little bit. "I didn't mean to push you away, love, I didn't know what I was thinking! Forgive me, please! Matt!"

I hug him tighter, and he relaxes a bit, although he's still trembling with the emotion. I guess he's just made an impressive progress. I have to give him that.

"I forgive you" I whisper, but I don't sound too convincing. I'll have to be more honest. "Look, it's hard, okay? You hurt me pretty badly, and... I don't feel okay" saying I feel empty and emotionless would sound too dramatic. He nods and sighs shakily. "Give me time, Mel. I'll eventually forgive you, yes?"

He nods again, his arms tightening their grip on my neck.

"I love you" he whimpers. "I-I love you, Matt... D-Don't leave me..."

Leaving him... Breaking up... No, that thought hasn't even occurred to me, no matter how bad I've felt during the last week.

"I'm not leaving you, Mel. I just need time. I still love you like I always did, okay?"

He pulls away from my neck and looks straight into my eyes, frowning. He caresses my cheek.

"I'm sorry" he repeats, and I smile. It's easier this time.

Part VI – _My baby's gone off the track_

"Who's more of an idiot?" Near asks suddenly. "The idiot, or the idiot who loves him?"

I look up at him. I've been sitting in this hallway, playing with my Gameboy for hours. The battery is about to run out. I try my best to smile at him; it's something I've been doing a lot during the past months, faking smiles. I must be becoming good at this because now I can even fool Mello. Social skills my ass.

"I'm the idiot, I guess" I reply, scratching my head. In that exact moment, the screen of my Gameboy turns black. Batteries out. I sigh. Near looks down on my with inexpressive eyes.

"You are" he nods, crouching down next to me in that strange way only L and him do. I'm somewhat glad Mello didn't pick up on that trait. "How's everything?" his voice doesn't denote any interest, so I don't feel the need to tell him it's none of his business. He knows it isn't; he's just asking because seeing me crying in an empty hallway must be kinda new to everyone.

"Well... It's Mello" I shrug, and he nods.

"So they're not okay."

"I'll leave that up to your interpretation."

"Does he hit you?"

My eyes widen, and I turn to him. His dark gaze is dead serious under his white hair.

"No" I lie, and I know he doesn't believe me, but that's okay. I've told him the truth without stating Mello is an abusive partner. It's a win-win situation.

Yes, Mello has hit me again. I don't really know now if he loses control or does it because he wants. I don't know anything anymore, I don't care. Having my heart broken because I'm with the person I love is such a pathetic irony that I can hardly bear the thought of him, the thought of us. Oh, but I know I love him helplessly, stupidly, and endlessly. So the story keeps repeating itself; I unintentionally make him mad, he goes berserk and hits me, I become depressed and distant for a few days, and then he misses me and cries into my chest until my walls crumble and I let him in over and over again. Because I can't say no when he cries, and I don't have the courage to talk to him about it when everything's fine, because I fear it might trigger another violent quarrel. It's just like that song by The Buzzcocks, "Ever fallen in love". You know, the one from that "The Simpsons" episode?

Although lately I've started to shyly fight back before he hits me. It's difficult, I love him, but I've started to give him snappy comebacks and sarcastic comments before the blow comes. Sometimes, more than one blow. I've thought of hitting him back, of turning the arguments into full-blown fights and giving him something to cry about, but I can't. I still love him too much.

I've come to the conclusion that the bitch is insane.

"Okay" Near gets up suddenly. "Take care, Matt. Later."

"See ya, Near" I blink in confusion as he hurries down the hallway and disappears in a second. Damn, what's wrong with the kid? It's almost as if he was escaping from something... I look down at my dead Gameboy. Damn it.

Suddenly, a shadow falls over me. I look up.

"Oh, hey, Mello" my voice is cold. He hit me again just yesterday. My ribs still hurt when I breathe in too deeply. He glares and pulls away a bit, giving me room to stand up. I do so.

And he grabs me by the collar of my T-shirt and pushes me back against the wall, so violently that I hit my head against it. Ugh, I feel dizzy!

"M-Mello!"

"Why were you talking to the little albino bastard? What were you telling him? Answer me, Matt!"

A few kids that just turned around the corner stop and stare at the bizarre scene. Mello doesn't notice, or he doesn't care.

"I was sitting there and he came up to me" I reply, my voice tight. I'm still mad at him. The wounds haven't healed enough for me to forgive him yet. His frown deepens.

"He's my enemy, Matt! And you're my boyfriend! I don't wanna see you talking to him, ever again! You're mine, Matt, only mine!"

Is that jealousy that tints his voice with that selfishly desperate undertone? Too bad I'm too pissed off to care. I push him away roughly and make to leave.

God. Dammit. What the hell am I doing?

A heavy boot connects with my back, and I'm thrown face-down to the ground. My lungs burn, and so do my cheeks. I roll to lie on my back and sit up, spitting to the side. I look up at Mello, who looks a bit stunned as well. Maybe he didn't mean to hurt me this much?

Lies. Lies, lies, lies, and excuses and more lies, lies that I make up so as not to admit what he is, what I've gotten myself into and what I have to do, but can't get myself to. More children have gathered to watch, I can hear them talking in mumbles, buzzing like bees.

"Fuck off, you all!" Mello yells at them, and I see him blush. He didn't want them to see him beating up his boyfriend, I guess...

Liar. Liar. LIAR!

"SHUT UP, YOU FUCKING BITCH!"

And the buzzing stops, and Mello looks down at me again, green eyes wide. He's too surprised to be angry, I guess. I don't even take the time to get up, I don't even know if I can; I raise one hand to point at him, straight between his stupidly wide eyes.

"I'm sick! I'm sick of you, Mello!" he opens his mouth to speak; like hell I will let him! "Shut up!"

"M-Matt..." he stammers; I don't care. The words escape me before I can stop them.

"I HATE YOU!"

Part VII – _Your train of thought has cut me off again_

Do I hate him?

I'm curled up on my bed, back pressed against the headboard, clicking away at a random game. I keep losing life after life after life. I wish I could die and 'respawn' somewhere else, somewhere far away from Whammy's. Somewhere where I don't have to feel this pain and this regret.

Do I love him?

He's sitting there on the window sill, watching the moon as the tears roll down his cheeks. In the blue light he looks like a ghost, like something taken out of a fantasy game. The princess trapped in the tower, waiting for her hero to come and save her.

I can't be his hero.

We don't know what's going on, how we came to this. He beat me up in front of everyone. I yelled at him that I hated him. We left in different directions, both fuming and crying. What does this mean? Is this the end? Isn't there any way to save this?

"I love you" he whispers suddenly. "I love you so much that it hurts."

"I can't live without you" I reply. "You're everything. I can take this pain, but not the pain of losing you."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"And I don't want to hate you."

We stare into each other's eyes, and he suddenly gets up and crawls onto the bed. I uncurl from my protective fetal position and let him lie against my chest. I wrap my arms around him, and he kisses my cheek.

"You're beautiful" he whispers into my ear, his breath tickling me, its scent of chocolate reaching me. I smile, this time a true smile, and caress his back under his tight tank top. He arches his back, pressing closer to me. He's always very sensitive to caresses, very responsive to touch. He places a hand on my cheek and guides my lips to meet his. That is the moment where everything seems right, where the hits and the insults and the pain don't seem to matter; the moment his velvety-soft lips press against mine, telling me everything he'd never put into words. I don't want to lose this feeling.

But is it really worth it?

Mello pulls away to look down at me, pulling my goggles down to better see my eyes.

"Matt" he mutters. "Love, what's wrong?"

I sigh and lean closer, resting my forehead against his.

"It's so difficult, Mello..."

"I know... But we can pull through, right?"

I don't know.

"Yes, Mel, of course... But we seriously have to stop hurting each other. I didn't mean to call you a bitch and all that, but..." I look down, blushing. I feel so pathetic asking for this. "Please, Mello, stop hitting me. I can't take it..." tears threaten to fall once again. Should I let them?

"I'm sorry" his voice is broken too. "But what you said today... Matt, do you really hate me?"

A bit.

"No, of course not, Mel. I only said it 'cuz I was so angry, so humiliated... I'm sorry."

He hasn't said he didn't mean the hits, though.

He smiles suddenly, crawling up to sit on top of me, straddling me. Heh, I've missed this feeling. I can't deny it feels good. Anticipation builds up inside me as he leans down with a seductive glint in his green eyes. I smirk and capture his lips in a searing kiss, massaging his tongue with my own. He moans into the kiss, and I wrap my arms around his waist. He kisses back eagerly.

But something doesn't feel right. I push him away gently; my breathing is ragged and so is his, but I'm not feeling it like I should. Damn it, damn me and my sensitive heart, so prone to remember things I'd rather forget.

"Mel, I don't know if I can do this now" I admit, and he frowns.

"Why not?" he sound on the verge of hysteria. Is he scared? Scared that I might not love him anymore? I shrug.

"I don't know, it's just... Too soon. It hurts, Mel..."

There's things I still need to tell him. There's things I need to ask him. There's answers I need to get from him. But he cuts me off with a passionate kiss. He rests one elbow next to my head on the pillow, supporting his own weight as his free hand slides down my chest, moving to my side, caressing the spot right below my ribs. Damn, that feels good. I can't contain a slight groan that's muffled by the connection of our lips. He closes his eyes, and I do the same. There's no point in trying to distract him from this...

No! No, I can't let him win me over with the attraction I feel towards him. We have to talk about this. I want to hear him say he won't hurt me again, I want to...

_...Mhh!_

He pulls away from me, smirking at the moan he got from me. I blush; such a delicious image, him on top of me, smiling lustfully at me, his hand on all the right places.

"Make love to me, Matt" he whispers, and I close my eyes and shake my head. I can't fall for this! I can't...

..._God_, stop that, Mellooooo!

"Mello!" but he won't stop now that he knows I'm liking it. He kisses me again, stealing the little breath I had left in me. My hands move lower from the small of his back, and he moans softly, approvingly. Damn, I can't resist that. I grip his skin through the leather pants, and he groans louder, breaking the kiss.

"I love you, Matt" he purrs heatedly. His hand returns to my chest as his body presses up against my own. Oh, please, Mello...

"I-I love you t-too..." I can barely breathe. His smell is all around me, the taste of chocolate lingers in my mouth, the ghost of his touch on my skin...

Tonight, he's won.

Part VIII – _Better tame that boy for he's a man_

I'm sick of this.

Near stirs his chocolate milk across from me. We're sitting together, alone, at a small table in a corner of the deserted cafeteria. Is four a.m. and thunder roars outside. He was scared and I couldn't sleep. We agreed on a small truce and now I am drinking my fourth coffee of the night with my boyfriend's rival. For once, my Gameboy is off, its corpse resting on the table beside my hand.

"You can't go on like this" he mutters, and I nod sadly.

"I know, but... What can I do, Near?"

He blinks, emotionless eyes fixed on my own. I'm glad I'm wearing my goggles.

"I think that is pretty obvious" he mutters, taking two little rubber dolls, apparently out of nowhere. One of them represents Mello, leather clothes and all. The other is a redhead with goggles. Heh, look, it even has a small Gameboy in its hand. "You have to break up with him and do it now."

I watch in fascinated horror as Near makes my doll version walk up to Mello's and kicks it down. It rolls off the table and onto the floor. I wonder whether he's enjoying this, but I doubt it. He's never showed any signs of hatred towards Mello, unlike my boyfriend. But he doesn't exactly like me either; he's neutral. His opinion is very valuable.

But can I do this? Can I just go and...?

I get up. I have to do this now. Near looks up at me, emotionless.

"Good luck" he whispers, and he sounds just the slightest bit more human. I smile and make a saluting gesture, and then I turn around, walking out of the cafeteria. The hallways are cold, and I'm glad my room isn't so far away from the cafeteria. As I reach the door, I can't help but hesitate.

I'm about to break up with Mello.

I've been postponing this moment for too long, trying to salvage this, trying to see if it got better, if he stopped the abuse, if I felt that unconditional love again. But I can't and I have to face it. It's hard, but it has to be done. I'm sure I'll feel better when it's all over...

I push the door open, and it creaks softly, waking Mello up. He rolls over on our bed to look at me with sleepy eyes.

"Matt" he whispers. "You're here. Where were you?"

"Out" I can't talk like nothing's wrong. I have to say it already; I can't bear the thought that these are our last seconds as boyfriends... "Mello, I... I need to talk to you."

C'mon, Matt, be strong. Remember, this guy hit you, this guy insulted you and hit you and told you he loved you but then he hit you...

Mello sits up, looking at me with big fearful eyes. It's as if he knows what I'm about to say, what's about to happen. He senses the end and he's scared.

"Yes... Matt."

I sit down in front of him on the bed. I know he wants to hold my hand, but I don't think I can bear it, so I link my hands together on my lap. He hugs himself and looks down; he knows.

"Mello, I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore."

Is that me, stating so bluntly the truth I've been trying to deny since that first slap, months ago? Is that him, closing his eyes and shivering softly, before opening them again and looking up at me, with a fiery gaze I recognize very well.

"I HATE YOU, MATT!"

He launches himself at me. His fist connects with my cheek, and he falls off the bed, dragging me to the floor. But this time, I won't have any of it; my hands find blond hair and tug violently. He screams in pain and anger, gripping my neck, choking me. I pull away violently, his nails scratching my neck, and I grab him and push him back. His back hits the wall, and for a few seconds, he sits there, breathing deeply, his head tilted back. I get up, pressing a hand to my cheek. He opens his eyes and screams at me.

"BASTARD!"

He's truly amazing; he jumps to his feet and jumps at me again. His fist hits my mouth. I jerk back, and then throw a blind punch. He staggers back, his shoeless feet making a soft noise against the carpet. I open my eyes, resting a hand on the bedside table to support my waist as I spit blood. His hands are covering his face, but through his fingers, I can see his left eye is turning purple and swollen.

"Bitch" I growl, wiping my lips. My black-and-white striped sleeve becomes bloody. "You're a bitch. I'm glad I noticed, I'm glad I was able to see you for what you truly are."

He says nothing. He breathes deeply once again, exhaling shakily. I step closer to him.

"I hate you" I whisper. "I hate you, Mello, I hate you with as much passion as I loved you before. I really, truly hate you."

"I-I should've never given you a chance" he sighs. Is he crying? "You knew me for years, Matt. You knew me before. You knew I wouldn't magically turn into the perfect partner. You never loved me; I don't know what you loved about me, but you never really loved me for what I truly am. You're just a pathetic liar."

"Look who's talking!" I snort, pressing my sleeve to my nose. It's bleeding as well. Just great! "The one who'd tell me he loved me in the morning, beat me up in the afternoon, and fuck me at night. I thought I liked that about you, Mel, but... I-I was wrong. I can't live like this. I have to get away from you."

And before he can say anything else, I storm out of the room. It's all over. Over.

Part IX – _We live and learn_

"It was the best for the both of us, Mello."

It's the morning after. My lips are all chapped and bloody, and he's got a black eye. He's sitting right across me, just as Near last night. And he's also stirring his dark brown chocolate milk in complete silence.

"It hurts" he whispers, and I nod, suppressing the impulse to hold his hand. "I mean, I always thought I'd be the one to go berserk and leave you" he looks up at me, seeming truly surprised. "I always thought I'd go and make that silly mistake, you know, break your heart and lose you and then miss you when it's too late. That was just so me, I thought it was bound to end like that... I guess it just hurts my pride that you took me for surprise, that you were the one to leave me."

...Wow. So it was gonna end anyway. But I have to agree with him. I always felt I was the dependant one, the one who loved the other the most. I always feared he would be the one to get bored with me, the one to break up with me. And it feels strangely good to be the one putting an end to this madness that lasted for almost a year.

"Well... I guess I'm not that predictable."

"Nor am I" he smiles very lightly, and a hope flickers inside me. Maybe we can go back to being friends... No. No, I know that won't work. It never does. Wishful thinking, that's all.

"So... Hum, how's your eye?"

"It's better."

"Sorry about last night."

"Yeah... We got a little carried away."

Don't make it sound that sexual, Mello, please. I'm trying to get over you here!

"So..." he starts. "I... Guess I'll see you around, yeah?"

I know he wants to be left alone, so I get up to leave. I want to give myself and him some time to recover. Because despite the pain and hatred and wounds, it's been an intense year. Sometimes the good things hurt worse than the bad ones. I try to smile – again.

"Yeah, we... Still share the same room. I have to get all my junk off your bed, huh?"

"Please" he gives a small sad smile, and one of the pieces of my heart breaks again. I sigh.

"Don't worry, I'll do it straightaway. See ya, Mello."

"See ya, Matt."

As I walk away, the tears attack my eyes mercilessly. Once I'm outside the cafeteria, I run to my room and slam the door behind me, resting my back against it.

Why? Why? WHY?

I pull down my goggles, letting them hang uselessly around my neck. I feel like shit... I had wanted to be with Mello for so long... And it worked out worse than I had ever imagined. I feel like a complete fool. I lost my boyfriend, I lost my best friend, I lost Mello. And now we're both so horribly lonely.

I get up against my will and slowly start removing my stuff from his bed. Broken controllers, game cases, clothes, CDs... And all the while, tears keep falling. I wonder if someday I'll be able to spend an entire day without crying.

I'm almost done when someone knocks softly on the door. I walk to open it, wiping the tears away and putting on my best fake smile. But it wasn't necessary; Near steps in carefully.

"Mello isn't here, is he?" he asks, careful dark eyes glancing around. I shake my head, closing the door behind him. He sits on the floor, looking stupidly comfortable, so I sit on my bed in front of him. He looks to his right, at the stuff piled up in front of the bedside table, the stuff I took off from Mello's bed. I rub my left eye.

"Hey, Near."

"You did the right thing."

His bluntness always surprises me, but I appreciate the gesture. It's nice to hear something nice after all the insults and the fighting and the awkward situations. He looks around.

"You shouldn't be sharing the same room with him anymore."

I flinch. I know, right? I know I should give us some space, get away from him, or else we could fall back into the trap of trying and failing. But I don't know... I guess I still hope I can be around him, maybe be his friend again... I know it's impossible, but I just wish... I wish...

"I-I wish I c-could go back in t-time... T-To a year a-ago!"

Near watches me break silently. I bury my face between my hands. Why can't life be just like my videogames? Hit 'restart' and start again?

Seems like I suck at playing life.

"You're an intelligent one, Matt" he says, in his usual authoritative voice. "You made a good choice. This wasn't going to end well, you know it's sad but true."

Heh, just like that song Mello likes. It's strange, because he told me the exact same thing: Mello said that he would've left me sooner or later. I just broke up with him before he had the chance to break up with me. I smile at my small, sour victory, looking up.

"I think I need to be alone, Near. Thanks a lot for..."

The door opens, and we both shiver. How hard is Mello going to hit me for talking to Near? The albino quickly stands up as Mello steps inside and freezes, his hand on the doorknob.

"Oh. Sorry" he says, in a strangely calm voice. I nod, too stunned to talk. "I'll come back later if you want."

"No, it's okay" Near walks to the door that my former boyfriend still holds opened. "I was just leaving. See you, Matt."

"Bye, Near" I sigh as Mello steps aside, letting him walk out.

Mello looks at me, and I don't know what to say, so I just shrug and smile.

"Seems I've made a friend."

Part X – _This love that's passed away_

It's been three days, and I've barely seen Mello lately. I've heard he hangs out at the gate or at the library on his own, eating more chocolate than he can afford and glaring at everyone. While me, well, I'm fighting to get over him still. It's not easy, but I have the help of an unlikely ally.

"It's your turn" Near looks up from the chessboard at me. How can he stay in that position for so long and yet look so comfortable? He's just like L.

More like L than Mello. I think he has more possibilities of being chosen as the next L.

I look back down at the chessboard. His white pieces are everywhere, while I only have a few black ones left. Hesitantly, I push a tower in front of my king, and raise my eyes towards him.

A small smile graces his features as he grabs his queen and moves it diagonally towards my tower, pushing it aside and making a small mocking noise, like a building being demolished.

"Check and mate" he says unnecessarily after the brief representation is done, and I smile, placing my hands behind my head and arching my back, stretching.

"Wow, I'm tired."

"We can play something else if you want."

I'm starting to believe he doesn't dislike my company. I look deep into his eyes; they glint almost hopefully. He wants me to stay and play with him. Maybe I'm the only one who's ever done this for him.

"Okay" I grin. "One more. Go easy on me this time, yeah?"

He giggles childishly.

"No way."

He beats me in a record time; less than five minutes. I guess he knows it's time for me to head back to my room, and he wanted to make it quick. Which leads me to think he was holding back the previous times. Damn, I'm bad at this. Once he's got me cornered, I let out a nonchalant laugh and get up, yawning.

"You have to teach me some strategies, Near."

"I promise" he nods; God, sometimes this boy is too serious. It's kinda freaky. After a short uncomfortable silence – one of those I don't remember suffering when Mello and I were best friends – he got up and walked to the door, holding it open for me. "I'll see you tomorrow, Matt" he smiles slightly; I get the feeling he's thrilled at the idea of having a friend. Good to know at least someone is benefiting from all this shit.

"See ya, buddy. Sleep well."

"Goodnight, Matt."

The walk to my room feels like walking to my death. I dread this moment more than anything else; the oppression of sadness in my chest, of knowing that once I step into that room I'll find Mello lying on his bed, probably asleep, or maybe eating chocolate and reading, looking so beautiful. It makes my heart ache to see him like that, knowing he's suffering for me and I'm suffering for him.

It sounds so silly. We love each other, and there's no reason for us not to be together other than ourselves, other than my naivety and his violence, my exigency and his hysteria, my wishful thinking and his anger issues. We're destroying ourselves.

Before entering the room, I compose the best sincere smile I can. I'm flawless at this by now. I push the door opened.

"Oh, Matt."

He's awake, sprawled out on his bed, the covers draped messily over his long pale legs. C'mon, Matt, it's not polite to check out your ex. I sit on my bed and place my goggles on the bedside table.

"Hey" why is everything so awkward? During the day, when I hang out with Near or go out for a stroll and a smoke, I feel good; but whenever I'm like this with Mello, face to face and alone, everything comes back to me, everything I wanna say to him crawls its way up my throat and fills my mouth with a sour taste. I wish I could tell him... So many things that I want to say...

"I see you're getting along with Near" his tone is so far beyond hurt, that it sounds neutral, happy even. I bet he feels so devastated that he's become numb. At least that's the way I feel.

"Yeah, he isn't such a bad guy" I shrug. "He's... Not you, though."

He glances at me, and quickly looks away, blushing. God, I want to kiss him!

No, Matt. You don't kiss your ex. He's your ex for a reason.

He goes back to his reading, and I get up to undress quickly, changing into my pyjamas – I feel his eyes on me, and the slight rustle of bedsheets. He shifted in his place. I wonder, does he feel the same bitter desire that I do? The maddening want to get burnt with this fire we can't seem to put out?

Or is this just me, wishing he does?

Okay, enough.

"How are you?" I ask, and he shrugs.

"I guess I've been better. But I've felt worse."

Oh, that reminds me! Something I did in a moment of stupidity after lunch. I take out a bar of chocolate from the pocket of my jacket and hand it to him, holding it in front of his eyes. His pretty eyes shift from the page he's reading to the small sweet, and he raises a hesitant hand to grab it.

"Hum... Thanks" he mutters, quickly unwrapping the chocolate. I guess it's a good sign that he didn't reject my little peace offering. "Why?" he adds, speaking with his mouth full of chocolate – I've learnt to understand him anyway. I shrug.

"I don't know" too many reasons, I guess. "I just... I don't want to be mad at you."

"Me neither" he says softly, smiling at the half-eaten chocolate. "We don't have to become enemies."

"Right."

That came out rather well, I suppose. But then... Why does it still hurt?

Part XI _– Playful hearts can sometimes be enraged_

Okay, when I said I didn't want to be his enemy, it didn't mean he could piss me off just for fun.

For once, I convinced Near to come out of his room to play a different kind of games; videogames. He's fairly good at them, I guess; he's smart and patient, although a little slow. He seems to enjoy creating customized characters and using them in battles, though, so we were having a pretty good time until my ex stepped in, in all his leather-clad blond glory.

We ignored him at first, just a 'Hello' and that was it. But now, I can see he's trying to catch my attention. He's throwing paper balls at me and Near, grabbing my stuff from my bed, messing with my PSP and my Gameboy.

"Hey, Matt" he calls, and I'm forced to pause the game in the middle of the second round of a pretty heated fight – Near learns fast. "Can I erase this?"

And he shows the screen of my PSP at me, but I don't need to see it to know he _shouldn't_.

"No, Mel."

"I'm erasing it anyway..."

"Mello, stop that!"

"Click, gone!"

"MELLO!"

I'm about to get up and give that fucking bitch something to cry about in the middle of the night – yeah, I've heard you, you little bastard! How humiliating, yes! – but Near places a cold hand on my shoulder and gives me a warning glare before looking over his shoulder at Mello.

"If you're so keen on playing videogames, why don't you join us?" he asks, innocently. Mello frowns at the challenge.

"Step aside, bunny!" he snarls as he gets up, and Near promptly leaves the controller on the carpet and sits beside me. Mello sits to the other side. So I guess it's me up against my ex in this round. I sigh and restart the fight, while beside me, Mello grabs the controller expertly – years of watching me, I suppose.

...Seeing him with an Xbox controller in his hands is a strange, unwelcome, irresistible turn-on. Heh, should've thought of that before.

Focus, Matt. He chooses his character first; a chick with big boobs. Why am I not surprised? Smirking, I pick my favourite, and press the Start button. The screen switches to a random arena.

Ready? Fight!

"HEY, MATT!"

I can't help but chuckle at his reaction; I wish I could see his face, but I don't want to take my eyes off the screen. My character runs from one side to the other, picking up random power-ups, throwing punches at Mello's girl in an almost teasing way. He tries to get me back, but he doesn't seem to understand the functioning of the analog stick, and he runs in circles while smashing the A and B buttons uselessly.

"C'mon, little bitch! Do SOMETHING!"

It's not long until his health runs out, and the girl falls to the floor with a soft grunt. I glance at Mello with a satisfied smile while my character dances on the screen. He's twitching, lips trembling with the insults I know he wants to spit at me. He sighs and whispers, controlling his tone.

"Again."

"As you wish!" I can't help but be cheerful; I'm beating him and pissing him off and loving every second of it. One, two, three rounds, and he gets beaten every time. After my fourth victory, I feel a hand on my shoulder again.

"I knew you could do it" Near smiles at me, and it's the final straw. Mello throws the controller against the console and launches himself at Near, ending up half on my lap and half on the floor while he tugs on Near's shirt. His elbow – purposefully or not – is driven into my crotch, and I wince. Damn that hurts!

"Mello, stop it!"

"Let me go, please."

"Shut up, you little bastard! You want him now, right? Like hell!"

"I don't know what you're talking about. Let me go."

"You ASSHOLE...!"

"MELLO!" finally I gather the strength to push him. He loses his balance and lands completely on my lap, releasing Near in the process. The albino quickly gets up, knowing he's gotten himself in a dangerous situation.

"I'll see you later, Matt" he blurts out, and then practically runs out of the room, Mello yelling after him:

"Coward!"

The door slams. Poor Near, I'll have to apologize to him later. Now, my current predicament: my ex is draped across my lap, glaring up at me, and apparently with no intentions of getting up. He looks stupidly comfortable there, and I'm fucking liking this a little too much.

We stare at each other, and suddenly, both at the same time, we get up; him a little faster than me, so I can get up as well. I look away, at the wall, and I know he isn't facing me either; I can't feel his eyes on me.

"What are you trying to do?" I breath out – damn, it did affect me. I'm so stupid. I look at him and catch him flicking a blond bang off his face.

"I don't know" he whispers. His voice sounds strangely broken. "I... Y-You two... Together... I can't..."

"We're not together" I roll my eyes, and he turns to me, so I look away again.

"Matt, you know I hate Near. And now you two are friends. It really pisses me off."

"Too bad" I shrug. "He's my only friend, I'm not giving him up for my ex."

I turn to him yet again, frowning. He's biting on his lower lip.

"You're doing it on purpose! You could at least avoid bringing him into the room we have to share! You know it hurts me!"

I look away. No... No, I don't care.

"Perhaps this isn't working. I'll go see if I can switch rooms."

That's all I can think of. Getting away from him. He nods.

"Okay, Matt."

As I walk out of the room, his side brushes against my own.

Part XII – _All I really want is peace_

"The New Year's party is a week away" Near comments as we walk down an empty corridor together. I glance up from my PSP to look at the announcement on the wall. So uninteresting.

"I have no real hopes for the New Year" I shrug, and keep on walking. I know he rolls his eyes before following me.

"Matt, seriously. Don't misinterpret this, but you're a very handsome guy."

"...Near, that's weird."

"I told you not to misinterpret this. I am not attracted to you; but I know for a fact that many girls are."

"Oh, really?" I'm distracted right now; Mello just exited a classroom, hugging a notebook to his chest. He sees me, blushes, and quickly looks away, taking off in a random direction as if to avoid me. He's so, so, so beautiful when he blushes... Dammit, it's been almost a month, I should be getting over it...

"...Matt, are you listening to me?"

I shake my head. Stupid, stupid Matt. I switch my PSP to Power Save mode and give my friend an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry, buddy, I spaced out. You were saying?"

"Many girls have asked me to help them get closer to you. I think they might have a sexual interest in you."

"God, Near, you gotta be that fucking blunt?" I glare at him as we resume walking. Yeah, I know many girls have taken an interest in poor abused me, but me... I can't right now. I fear relationships and I still haven't gotten over the boy I've loved for so many years. My heart still beats fast when I see him, although we haven't talked since I moved out of the room we used to share.

"Yes" he smiles lightly; yeah, the little albino boy has something akin to a sense of humour. He knows how to freak me out.

Freak out... God, that reminds me!

"Near, how did you do at the final exams?" I ask, and he shrugs.

"Just the usual."

"And... What about...?"

"Blondie diva? Always second best, of course."

"Wow..." I sigh. "Well, congrats."

That was the first time I held him like I had always wanted to, the day he failed to beat Near once again... I wish I could go and ask him how he's doing, how he feels about it, but his bitter responses hurt me, and I don't feel I deserve this for trying to help. It's so weird, how I ended up being the bad guy in this relationship that's buried not-so-deeply.

"Thanks" his tone signals the end of the conversation. He's always very careful to avoid the topics that might bring me down, but still, I always manage to reopen my wounds. Fuck, I'm so screwed up. What's wrong with me? I miss the abuse and I hurt myself because I don't have Mello to do it for me?

Shit!

"Matt?" Near grabs my arm, stopping me, and when I turn to look at him, the world spins for a second. Ugh... "You're very pale, Matt... You haven't been eating well, have you?"

"Hum..." no, in fact, I haven't been eating much. I've been avoiding the cafeteria just in case I find Mello there. My vision swims again, and my head feels light. Damn, I need a smoke... I reach for my lighter, and a soft cold hand grabs my own, firmly pulling it away.

"You and that blonde idiot!" he snaps suddenly. "You're both sick!"

Next thing I know, I'm pushed to the floor. I sit with my back against the wall and close my eyes. I'm sleepy... I open my eyes to see Near crouching over me, handing me a small bar of chocolate.

"Eat this" he orders, and I close my eyes.

"N-No... Not chocolate, Near..."

"Matt, I didn't ask you."

I sigh shakily and unwrap the dreaded sweet, taking a bite. Why... It tastes like Mello... Damn it, the memories... The damn memories! I couldn't regret it all more!

Near places his cold hand on my forehead, a bored expression in his dark eyes.

"Mello fainted in class the other day" he comments. I wince; my poor beautiful Mello... It's all my fault... "He never eats either. I took him to the infirmary, he was a little delirious. He kept calling your name, Matt... You both have serious issues."

Yeah, I know.

"If we get back together again, it'll be okay..."

"Yes, one would think so" he sits up a bit, looking down on me. So authoritative. "But there's a high possibility that he might abuse you again. The chance of your relationship going wrong again is of the seventy-nine percent."

I take another bite of the chocolate, which I hold now in my hand. Mello is on the verge of breaking, and judging by how the world is still fuzzy around me, I am as well. We can't live without each other and we can't live with each other. What to do? How do we fix this? Where do we go now?

Heh, that song by Guns N' Roses always makes me think of Mello and I as kids. So, so depressing.

"Matt, don't let him do this to you. You deserve better" Near whispers, and I smile sadly.

"He's the best thing I've ever had."

"You have to stop thinking like that. Move forward, Matt! C'mon, I'll help you up. You'll get some rest, and then you will choose a girl to take to the New Year's party."

"Oh, no, Near!" I'm almost whining now. I don't want this, I really don't! "Please, I just want to be left alone! I want to sleep for the rest of the week, and maybe the rest of the year!"

"Okay, you can go sleep now. But tonight you're having dinner with me at the cafeteria."

"Fine, deal. Help me up."

He grabs my hand and pulls me up with surprising strength, and I rest my back against the wall, smiling at him.

I still feel weak.

Part XIII – _And I'm such a stupid man_

In the end, I convinced Near to let me be and came on my own to the New Year's party. Well, with Near, that is, but he doesn't count. He's crouching on a chair and looking around with an incredibly bored expression, while I down my fifth drink of the night. I feel strangely peaceful... Heh, everyone looks really funny... I chuckle helplessly, and Near turns to me.

"You're drunk" he instantly accuses. I wave my hand, still laughing. I'm not drunk! I'm just... Hum... Cheerful, yeah.

"'M not, Near..."

"You are" his frown deepens. "Come on, I'll take you to our room to get rest."

"No way" I'm staring at Mello now; he's dancing with some random lucky guy, and damn, those hips swaying back and forth are quite breathtaking. Do want, please.

"Matt, stop staring at your ex-boyfriend's rear, please. It is not polite to do so."

"He's hot" I smirk. What's wrong in looking? I've seen him in every possible way, so what's wrong with it? "Too bad he's such a freakin' bitch. Well, can't be perfect, though he's close enough..."

Near shakes his head and gets up, glaring at me. C'mon, buddy, brighten up!

"I'm going to bed" he says, "this is a waste of time."

And he walks away and out of the cafeteria, which has been decorated for the occasion. Damn, he's so uptight. I lean back against the chair, taking out a cigarette even though Roger warned me I shouldn't smoke in here. Damn old man can't see me now, can he?

Suddenly, someone steals the cigarette I just lit. I look up, taking off my goggles and letting them hang from my neck, as I glare up at whomever dared disturb me.

Oh, wow.

Mello is standing right in front of me, wearing black leather pants and a black and red leather tank top. His dark eyes are narrowed seductively, the cigarette held between his index and thumb. He smirks at me and puts the cigarette to his lips, taking a small drag and letting the smoke out through his nose. I can only stare, conscious of the saliva pooling inside my open mouth.

"M-Mello..."

His smirk turns more playful as he takes another drag and blows the smoke in my direction. The mixed smell of nicotine and chocolate, of me and him, is intoxicating. I can't breathe.

"Hey, Matt" he puts the cigarette to my lips and I take a drag, thoughtlessly. He chuckles and takes another. "It's been a while since we've done this, right?"

Done what? He's never smoked before, as far as I know... Oh, right. He means the indirect kiss. Sneaky one. I smile.

"Quite a while, Mel."

He lets the cigarette fall to the floor and crushes it under his heel, before sitting down on my lap, crossing one leg over the other. I don't know if it's the drinks of the dormant feelings I can't get rid of, but his weight feels comforting. His closeness is something I can't resist.

"I've missed you" he purrs, looking straight into my eyes, caressing my cheek with one hand, his other arm sneaking around my shoulders. I place my arms around his waist. This all too natural, too easy. Feels like a delicious dream...

His mouth still tastes of chocolate, and also of nicotine and alcohol.

Damn, we're both so drunk.

It gets out of hand rather quickly, both of us being so intoxicated by alcohol and each other. His tongue explores my mouth hungrily, while my hands touch him all over – so what if we're in public? And so what if he's my ex? I've wanted this for weeks and judging by the way he shifts on top of me, moaning into the kiss, he's enjoying this as much as I am. We part, and I kiss his neck, his blond hair brushing my cheek.

"Oh, Matt..." he whines heatedly. "I've missed you so much..."

A growl erupts from my throat, and I bite his neck gently, licking the mark right after.

"I love you, Mello."

He pulls away suddenly, hands in my shoulders, giving me a serious look. Not the unfocused gaze of someone who's pissed out of his head, but a real look, a serious one.

"I love you too, Matt. I really do" he touches my cheek again, and I lean into his touch. "Please..." he leans down, resting his forehead against my own, our eyes meeting. "Sleep with me tonight..."

And without even thinking, I slip one arm under his knees and the other around his torso and get up, carrying him bridal style towards the exit. He hides his flushed face into the crook of my neck, but I can feel him giggling drunkenly as we step out into the cool midnight air.

"Happy New Year, baby" he whispers into my ear as I kick the door to his room – our room – open. "I love you."

"I love you too" I put him down and he walks towards my old bed, swinging his hips from side to side. I smirk; smug bastard. I lock the door and walk to my bed, lying down beside him, grabbing his hand and kissing his fingers as he cuddles against me. After a few seconds, he crawls on top of me with a sexy smirk, licking his lips, and leaning down to kiss me. I hug him by the waist and roll us over, kissing a line from his ear down to his neck, my hand sliding down his chest. He arches his back, his cheeks going red.

"Make love to me" he begs, but he doesn't need to; I'm begging for it myself.

"I love you" I sigh as I dive in for a kiss, my hand reaching the hem of his pants. He lets out an approving moan.

I think I'm doing the wrong thing, fucking my ex.

But if I'm making a mistake, at least I wanna get some fun out of it.

Epilogue – _Love's so strange_

It's been a month now. I'm walking towards the cafeteria, playing in my PSP and wondering what's for dinner. Near told me yesterday he heard a rumour about pizza... That would be cool.

"Matt!"

Suddenly, someone runs up behind me and wraps a pair of leather-clad arms around my waist. I stop instantly, smiling around my cigarette.

"Hey, Mel."

"I missed you" he giggles, nuzzling my shoulder. "What's for dinner?" he adds as he steps back, and I turn to face him. Wow, he looks very beautiful; he's wearing a tight sleeveless tank-top, a pair of dark denim shorts, knee-high black boots, and black leather gloves that reach a bit below his elbows. I love his style, he always looks amazing.

"I dunno, babe" I reply, shamelessly checking him out. He knows, of course, and he gives me a playful glare.

"Stop drooling, you perv."

"No" I smirk, offering him a hand. He takes it with a smile and a blush, and we head towards the cafeteria together.

When we woke up that morning of January 1st, we knew this was bound to happen. We got back together after that. And things have been so good, that I'm not sure whether this is real, or he's just playing with me as revenge for breaking up with him in the first place. Of course, I know he isn't. Nobody lies this well.

He's changed. Not in his personality, but in the way he treats me. The abuse is in the past now, and he tries to be a little less harsh and dominating and a bit more understanding and permissive. He even accepts the friendship Near and I have developed. On the other hand, I admit I have victimized myself in the past; now I'm taking the responsibility for everything I do, and if he gets mad at me, I try to find the reasons why I made him angry in the first place. I no longer see him as the evil one. He's just a human with his issues and his virtues.

We're happy now, just like a normal couple should be.

As we walk hand in hand towards the table where Near awaits us, Mello kisses my cheek and I grin at him. I catch Near's eyes; he looks somewhat happy as well. He smiles softly when we sit across from him.

"You two make a very nice couple" he told me a week after Mello and I got back together. "I was wrong about you two. You really love each other" and after that, he stared at me for a few seconds and added, in a bored tone: "Don't screw up again."

When lunch is over, Mello and I walk back to our room, chatting cheerfully about his studies.

"I have a feeling I'll do even better next year" he says, confidently, and I smile and squeeze his hand gently. I know that he was never too confident, so I'm glad to hear that. "I will never admit it to him, but studying together with Near actually does help a little bit..." his voice trails off, and I chuckle and push our door opened.

"Told you, he's not that bad."

"Yeah" he walks in front of me – giving me a perfect view of his rear – before twirling around to face me with a playful smirk. "But I'm better."

"You are" I step towards him, and he wraps his arms around my neck, kissing me deeply. I rub his sides and he squirms lightly, smiling into the kiss.

"Don't tickle me" he warns as we part, and I smirk.

"You don't complain that much when—"

"Shut up, Matt."

After a few more minutes of kissing, we move to the bed. I lay down, and he crawls on top of me, pulling my goggles up and placing them on top of my head to look at me in the eyes.

"I love you" he sighs, kissing my neck, and I wrap my arms around him, tightly.

"I love you too, baby..." I close my eyes, enjoying the tender, affectionate kisses against my throat. He sucks on my skin gently before pulling away, looking down at me, his hair framing his face beautifully.

"You got me chocolate?" he asks. It's like a small ritual of ours; every day, when we return to our room for a 'nap' – heh – I give him a bar of chocolate. I shake my head, grinning inwardly.

"Sorry, babe, I forgot."

For a moment, he looks down at me in disbelief. Then he frowns, and raises a hand, tightening it into a fist before lowering it to the mattress slowly. I'm proud of him; such self-control.

"You're an idiot, Matt" he growls, glaring at me, but with a small smile on his lips. "But I love you nonetheless."

That's what I like about him now. We kiss again, passionately, and while he's distracted with that, I take something from my back pocket – don't ask how I managed not to get it squished, because I don't know either. When he pulls away, I hold the chocolate bar in front of his eyes.

"I lied" I chuckle, and he grins and takes the sweet from me.

"Sneaky bastard" he purrs, placing the chocolate on top of our bedside table before cuddling up against my chest. I hold him close, snickering softly. Look who's talking!

"I could say the same about you, baby."

"You sure as shit could."

I pull him closer, and he closes his eyes, sighing deeply as I caress his hair. He's so beautiful, sweet, and irresistibly attractive... I don't know how I could leave him in the first place, I was an idiot. We were both fools for not talking it over, for not trying to understand each other a bit more.

"Don't ever dare leaving me again" he mutters, half asleep, wrapping a possessive arm around my waist.

I wouldn't dream of it. This time, it's for real. Forever.

Love's so strange, isn't it?


End file.
